I don't really know how people can
fully forgive if they cannot forget.
I've tried it.
It's very difficult.
I've had many people in my 26 years who
have done me wrong and I've forgiven some of them--- or at least I
think I have. All of my life, I have been loyal to those who I
believe have gained my loyalty, be it with friends, family members,
or boyfriends. I would ALWAYS be there for them whenever they'd ask,
to help comfort, move, let loose, give advice, cheer up, financial
problems (as much as I could)... whatever they needed/wanted, I
usually gave it to them without question of their motives because
well, if they're someone close to your heart, why would you be
suspicious of them, right? And I prided myself very much on being
loyalm trustworthy, and a good friend, without being two-faced (I
admit though, I HAVE talked behind the back of coworkers because I
was angry at them, I'm not claiming to be an angel here), my mom
always taught me that to be two-faced, tell secrets in confidence to
others, or just plain be unloyal to those closest to our hearts is
immature and just plain mean, and I didn't want to be that person
since I knew so many of them.
When I was growing up in school and
all, I didn't have a ton of friends, I knew a lot of people and
talked to them, but there were only 3 times when I had a ''group of
friends'', once in 5th grade and once in 6th
grade. They both included my best friend.
Erin Shiloh.
I met her in kinder-prep when we were 4
and we became best friends instantly by me telling my mom that I
wanted to invite the ''girl with the long brown hair'' to my birthday
party.
We were pretty inseparable for like, 10
years.I never had any sisters but I always loved her like one. We
spent so much time together people even said we were starting to look
alike, our birthdays were close together, and I LOVED it when she
moved up the road to me.
I was protective of her, I did my best
to always be there for her when her parents went through a divorce,
when she fought with her siblings, whenever. I was never a person who
was into having a lot of friends, I didn't mind it if I did or
didn't, but I always liked having that one best friend. For years, it
was her, despite not feeling always on the same level as her. She was
more dramatic about well, everything and cared (what I thought was)
way too much of what others thought of her and how she appeared to
everyone, whereas I didn't care and never really did. That was
probably why I never really had too many friends, ever since
kindergarten, I was called weird. After a while, I took pride in
that.
I was the weird girl.
And I didn't even have to try.
She never seemed to care until we were
in public and she's say, ''Dara.... people are staring at you...''
which started happening around the time we were in 9th
grade, so what... 14 years old?
In 5th grade, she was in a
class with a girl named Kellie Coleman who she made friends with and
I was in a class with Kellie's best friend Emily Schumaker, who I
made friends with. I'd never had a group of friends before that and
it felt good to be included in something. Over the course of the
year, I'd noticed that Erin would become a bit mean towards me at
times, especially when Kellie was around. It got pretty annoying but
I never wanted to confront her, for fear that I'd lose her as a
friend. Then Kellie and Emily would become mean to me and I ended up
feeling ganged up on, especially if we were having a slumber party
with the 4 of us, and they'd tell me to wait for them downstairs and
they'd be down in a few minutes, only for me to find out that they
had no intention of meeting me and they'd lock the door to the room
that they were in. Once at th concession stand after a softball game
that we'd played in, Erin, Kellie, and I were getting some soda and
candy, while they had gotten their stuff, I was still waiting for my
soda, and Kellie whispered something to Erin, they giggled, and ran
off without me. Kellie was a very skinny girl and I'd always been
bigger, not necessarily fatter, but always tall and muscular, and at
times in my life, a little chubby but not overweight. She'd always
point out to everyone how skinny she was and how much bigger I was
than her.
Just mean, unnecessary things like
that.
Throughout middle school I was bullied
by people and even though she was my best friend, Erin never had my
back. And we'd both met other people who became our friends, she
always ended up being on their side of making fun of me. I still
don't know why. Maybe I was blind to it at the time.
We kept the general group of friends
from 6th grade until 9th-10th grade, which
consisted of myself, Erin, Kara Smith, Tyler Koontz, Adam Weller, and
Katie Wilson. We all got along so well and it was great because there
was hardly ever any drama between us. We could all hang out and act
silly together and still laugh at ourselves and each other.
I met Katie in first grade, we became
better friends in 6th grade, and great friends in 9th
grade. We had a lot in common, one of the things we did together was
go in public and talk in different accents. It was oddly fun for us,
haha.
Anyway, during 9th and 10th
grade, we were all in track and field together, minus Tyler, so after
school in the spring, we were always together. Kara, Tyler, and I
went to the same church, Erin and Adam were pretty religious (as was
I at the time), so we did churchy things together. We all just had
connections with each other. Adam and I had become very close for a
number of reasons (nothing romantic, as I think he recently came out
as gay, as did Tyler).
During 10th grade, I met a
guy who would have never fit into the group and I didn't try inviting
him in, I just spent time with him outside of it. His name was Chuck
Hamm.
During the summer of 2003, between 10th
and 11th grade for me, I kept meeting up with Chuck and
Erin always protested about it because h had long hair, rode a
skateboard, and looked as if he didn't have a lot of money, or
something extremely shallow.
At the end of the summer, he became my
boyfriend.
During the fall of 2003, I didn't see
Erin as much as I used to, I was involved in the school tennis team
which took up a lot of my time, I had a job which kept me busy on
Saturdays, and whenever I wasn't at tennis practice, and I ended up
spending most of my free time with Chuck, as Erin spent most of her
free time with whoever her boyfriend was at the time.
Also during that time, I became
severely depressed.
I don't know why or how, it just
happened, an no one, not my friends nor my family, or even I,
understood the cause for it.
It really changed me, as depression
does, I was not the smiling and laughing happy-go-lucky teenager with
hopes of the future anymore, I was angry, sad, and joyless.
I think Erin blamed it on Chuck, but it
had nothing to do with him. I think a lot of people blamed him. It
just happened that we started dating and depression began. He was not
mean or abusive towards me, he loved me and supported me.
I think it was around October or
November when I called Erin up, after not really talking to her in
school much since we had no classes together, and we were both busy
with other things in our free time.
I told her that in school they told us
to always tell people when we experience this... and she cut me off
and asked if I had tried drugs.
What..???
Drugs? Why would she even say that? She
knew that I had no intentions of desire of that.
I told her that I had suicidal
thoughts.
She then said that she couldn't talk at
the moment because her boyfriend would be there any minute, and asked
if she could call back later.
That is when our friendship ended.
The rest of the school year we sort of
ignored each other and Katie and I had become closerand I appreciate
her support. We're still very good friends to this day.
Fast forward to the beginnin of 12th
grade... the first day of school Erin wrote me a note... wrote me a
note, not talked to my face, and said that I'd changed and she was
afraid for my well-being and blah blah blah. Katie and I, that night,
concocted a reply that wasn't the nicest, it wasn't mean like calling
her a bitch, which he had turned into, a stuck up one at that, it was
more sarcasm.
I saw her in the hallway the next day
and threw it at her, she read it, for some reason thought that I was
threatening her, and then all the friends that we had together..
Kara, Tyler, Adam, and pretty much all the other ones, took her side,
and I lost them.
Over the years I've tried to make peace
with her without success until a few years ago, I just stopped
fucking caring. I didn't want to throw a friendship like away but as
I look back, she was never much of a friend to begin with, she was
just a selfish bitch who wanted someone to boss around.
When I was 20, I met a guy, Joshua
Harrington, through a friend who eventually became a boyfriend of
mine and I moved from San Antonio, Texas to Nampa, Idaho for him. He
claimed and believe himself to be a good Christian and aprophet of
God, but he ended up lying to me about almost everything, hiding the
fact that he sold cocaine from the duplex that we rented together,
mistreating my family and friends, stealing from stores everything we
had in our place, beating me up, and cheating on me with 6 other
girls... in the bed that we shared, all the while telling me that I'm
the apple of his eye, I'm his soulmate, he loved only me.
It took a piece of my heart, knowing
that I moved to a place that I did not know or even really like for
him, that I put up with his nutty ass family for him, and that for 4
months, I gave him my trust.
A lot of people have asked why I stayed
with him after he started hitting me and I don't know. My mom is
convinced that he somehow brain washed me and I am inclined to
believe that that's an accurate assumption. I never thought I'd be
one of ''those'' chicks, who stayed with a guy who abused them.. but
I did. He tore me down and brought me back up, thinking that he
helped me gain self esteem. If I were still a Christian, I'd believe
he was the devil incarnate. 3 years ago he messaged me on Myspace (I
know... Myspace...). That is the last I heard from him and good
riddance to that monster.
When I was 21 I met a guy who joined my
work team at a cafe in San Antonio. His name was Miguel Morales and
when we met, we both instantly lusted after each other. He was 10
years older than me but it didn't matter. At the time, I was dating
(and living with) a guy who was 16 years older than me. I felt so
attracted to Miguel and felt so guilty for it, so I ended up ending
this with my then boyfriend. He thought that I cheated on him with
Miguel but I never did, never even considered it.
Miguel and I became incredibly close
friends and we started falling for each other. I helped him with
money, I helped him move twice,gave him rides to work when he lived
across the entire city, I went so far out of my way to make him
happy, I looked like a fool! I should have known a that time that he
was not as interested in me as I was him when he never really asked
me out. Lots of drama happened between us for the fault of us both,
and he moved to Austin.
It took a year for him to finally ask
me on a date. I was so happy. We went out to a Mexican restaurant,
ooops... he forgot his wallet! I paid. I paid for a hotel room since
by the time he was going to go home (from San Antonio to Austin) it
was already 4:30am. We sat on the bed talking about what's been going
on with each other the past few months, and he told me....everything
that I wanted to hear. He wanted to be my boyfriend, he thought that
he was ready to show me how much he cared for me, that I as perfect,
he apologized for flirting with other women in front of me when we
went out, and all these things.
The next day was Halloween (2009) and I
texted him to come back to San Antonio for a party after I got off
work. He agreed. We went there together, as a couple, and everyone we
were friends with at my job (his previous job) were happy that we
were together.
We both talked to different people at
the party, and I talked into the living room where most of the people
are gathered, a friend of ours tried to push me out, and I knew
something was wrong.
A 17 year old red head was sitting on
his lap...making out with him.
Ouch.
After all he said to me the night
before.
Right through the heart.
I was so angry with him and told him
everything that I needed to tell him, then I left. We lost contact
for about a year or so, then we connected on Facebook. I ended up
deleting him from Facebook and my life after I told my now husband
about him. I don't blame Felipe for being angry and awkward about
that.
Those are three of largest scars I have
of knives in my back. I just wanted to make these people happy, they
saw that and used me like a fucking doormat. Although these
experiences were so hurtful, they were not in vain. I learned a lot
about myself and others through them.
I have forgiven what Joshua Harrington
has done to me because he was/is a severely misguided idiot,
borderline sociopath. I believe. I will never, EVER forget it.
I have forgiven Miguel Morales for what
he did to me because he was a selfish person who I just happened
across and took advantage of my loyalty. I will never forget what he
did to me.
I have not forgiven Erin Shiloh. I have
tried but 12 years of loyal friendship should not equal ''go ahead
and kill yourself, I want boyfriend time''.
I don't know how people forgive and
forget so easily, or forgive and not forget. Some people say that
forgiveness brings inner tranquility. I have not experienced inner
tranquility.
Perhaps I haven't truly forgiven them
afterall.
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